Recently, fueled by horror stories of online dating, and my
friend’s experiences I can only describe as “close encounters of the creepy
kind”, I decided to conduct an independent study, a social experiment if you
will, on current dating standards. I am aware that some of you may be concerned
about the morality of my action but hey – it was for research purposes. No harm was intended, or even implied.
As they say, curiosity is not a feline’s friend, and boredom
is the leading cause of bad ideas. Here I was, with internet access, and
several friends facing the challenges of meeting people online, I thought – let’s
see how hard would it be. I carefully selected four pictures, and kept one unfiltered,
the next one slightly retouched, third one perfected, and the fourth one edited
to smithereens. I went to a popular dating site, and created a profile with a
silly user name, average everything, used song lyrics to describe myself (Steve
Miller – the Joker), and as my occupation I listed “A Stripper”. Figured
someone is smart enough to figure out I was being sarcastic. With a quick click
of a mouse, the proverbial hook was now cast into the dating pool. Now we wait.
Dun dun dun.
One hour later, I logged on to find 33 messages. WOW. Turns
out 28 of them were just a “hi”. I automatically decided to discard one word
messages for simple lack of effort – a wise move if I may say so myself. Five
remaining were complimenting my looks, asking what do I do for fun, which strip
club I work in, what am I doing that night and would I consider dating a
Christian. Random. I politely responded with short, non-committal messages.
Now, what happened next is how I envision a reaction of a bunch of sharks to a
blood bank truck that ended up in the water. All asking for my phone number so
they can send me a more intimate picture. I felt like vomiting, I had to walk
away for a minute. I thought to myself, is this what dating has become? What
happened to talking about likes and dislikes, going to a movie, dinner, hike, courting,
anticipation of the first kiss, actually getting to know someone, actually
looking forward to being with somebody? Did we really sum it all down to “Hi"?
I am Bob. I like ice cream and watch True Blood. Here’s a picture of my penis”.
I poured myself a hefty serving of vodka cause hey – its motherland somewhere –
and concocted a devious plot. I was to randomly select an individual, and
determine exactly how low someone would go for a chance at a casual encounter.
I picked out a subject that I found somewhat attractive, someone who I thought would
not have an issue getting a date, and started the chat. In the meantime, I
decided to use my friend’s prospect, which happened to be online at the time,
as a control subject so I sent him a quick hi. After his response gave me
hives, I decided to add him too. What the heck. If I go to hell, might as well
have a good reason. Gave myself a week, turns out I needed less than 24 hours.
3 messages into the chat, I was asked if I would consider
having some “fun” that night. Well, I got blunt. Offered porn star quality
action, with a twist. I casually kept adding things that would possibly
discourage someone, in this particular order: boyfriend, baby, breastfeeding,
unemployed, drug problem, paid escort, alcoholic, on period and, out of sheer
desperation, herpes. Well that did it, but only because both of them didn’t
want to use protection. Hold on, hold on there, sooo you’d have unprotected sex
with a prostitute who is high and recently had a baby, and is on her period?
What in the fucking world is wrong with you? In my personal opinion, a banana
peel is a better alternative, but hey – to each their own. I know I sound
judgmental and, you know what, I don’t give a flying rats ass. How in the
fucking world is one supposed to find a future husband in the sea of dick
pictures? Can the dick talk? Can it change car oil? Would the dick hold my hand
in public? So so so many questions!
Let’s switch over to my friend’s “prospect”. I chose to
inform her because I would be a really shitty friend if I withheld this kind of
information. I asked him, multiple times, is he seeing somebody, only to
receive a negative response. Why why why why why is it OK to mislead someone
and to always be on the quest for something bigger, better, faster, stronger?
If you wonder why you have regrets in your life, it is because you spent your
entire life looking up, when you could have just looked in front of you, you
dumbass.
It was that precise moment I realized that, should an
unfortunate event force me to go back “out there” to search for a mate, I am
better off starting my own commune, raising kangaroos and other assorted
mammals, growing my own food (ok, maybe having Safeway deliver it), and running
away from this disgusting society. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
We took something as simple as a human connection, and turned it into sexting and chlamydia.
Congratulations, we have regressed to primate mating, and
live in a world where every kiss begins with a dick pic. Relationship in a microwave. Who’d have thunk.
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